i'm gross

In less than forty-eight hours I am going to be sharing my "testimony" with twenty-some people that I met a mere month ago.

My honest testimony is something that I've kept so hidden from a remarkable about of people.  I think of it as my poker hand.  Secrets that I only show a few people that I trust won't tell my opponent sitting across the table.  The darkness I see inside myself actually makes me physically sick.  The thought of sharing these secrets with strangers overwhelms me with a feeling I can't put into words.

When I think of things I've struggled with in the past, I feel completely and utterly alone.  I look at the amazing, godly, wonderful and beautiful people God has placed in my path and I can't fathom any of them struggling with such nasty things.  Hence, my fear of opening up and sharing what God has shown me grace through.

I came into our room after work and opened my Bible study I'm doing with my family half-way across the country (p.s. i love technology)...  The first thing I read is an example Beth Moore uses from the life of Enoch.  She talks about how Enoch's testimony in fact... isn't Enoch's--- it's God's.  My testimony isn't mine, it's God's.  The fact that only HE knows every inch of my awfulness and is able to forgive is the greatest love I could ever imagine.

Chatting with Brady tonight about my non-understanding of how God is able to forgive me day-in and day-out of my sinful behavior (that I try so hard to overcome) encouraged me to no end.  Having God use Beth Moore to speak to ME tonight about being okay to share my struggles, humbled me.

Tuesday night I'm going to talk openly about a lot of things I've never shared with friends,  and I'm going to be proud of it.  Because it's not my testimony I'm sharing- it's God's.  It's only because of His love that I'm able to get out of bed every morning.  It's only because of His grace that I've overcome some HUGE struggles I've dealt with-- why wouldn't I want to shout that from the roof tops!?!??!?!

Prayers are WELCOMED on Tuesday--  pray that I have courage to be honest!!  Pray that God can use my stories to help some other women sitting in the room that may be struggling with the same things! Pray for humility.  Pray for sweet Brady, poor thing has to be married to this wreck of a creature!!!

thankful people are still willing to be my friends,
jennafer